Developing a Strong Sense of Self - Part 1
By: Cecilie Croissant
Maybe he is right about me,” Melissa said, tears streaming down her face. “All my married life I have been told that everything that goes wrong is my fault.” After suffering many years under mental, verbal, and emotional abuse from her husband, Melissa was confused as to why nothing she tried to do to fix her marriage seemed to work.
Exhausted to the point of developing a chronic illness, Karen admitted that she felt compelled to work way past her normal hours. She felt it was her duty to go over and beyond to meet her supervisor’s expectation.
In my therapy practice, I see many women who readily admit that they are “people pleasers.” In countless ways, they have been taught to disregard themselves, to ignore their own emotions and warning signs, and have been told to sacrifice themselves for others. We have learned to downplay our instincts and not trust ourselves. We end up losing ourselves and begin to feel empty and hopeless inside.
Some were raised in families where the safest thing was to be as invisible as possible. They learned early on to let go of hopes, desires, likes, and dislikes, because speaking up would invite anger and abuse. Groomed to be passive and agreeable, they grew up without the ability to stand up for themselves, and as adults they became vulnerable to others taking advantage of them. Staying “invisible” certainly served them well as children and kept them as safe as possible; but for adults, it leads to loneliness, emptiness, depression, and anxiety. For women, there is often a cultural message of disregarding one’s needs, wants, and opinions and focusing on making other people happy. As if that were not enough, the church often tells us to focus on others at the expense of ourselves. Is this what it means to deny oneself? Does the Bible say anything about developing a strong sense of self?
Let’s look at the example of Jesus, who is our prime example. Jesus was the embodiment of the fruit of the Spirit, and He was also assertive. He took a strong stand against the control and spiritual abuse of the Pharisees. In the process of reaching needy people, He went against cultural and religious restrictions without blinking an eye (e.g., Luke 13:10–17). He had clear boundaries with people, even with His own family. He was intentional and knew who He was and what His purpose was (Luke 4:18–19). He submitted to the cross out of purpose and strength, not out of weakness. He taught us to be good stewards of all of our inner treasures (Matt. 25). How can we steward our gifts effectively if we don’t know and honor those gifts?
Alison Cook says, “When Jesus said to ‘deny yourself,’ He understood the difference between denying your selfishness and denying your selfhood—your God-given, image-bearing self, which is your soul made to shine who God is through your life.” (1)
Denying yourself can mean laying aside fear or people pleasing. It does not mean to deny your personhood, such as your values, opinions, insight, discernment, skills, hopes, and dreams. Here are a few things to keep in mind to develop a strong sense of self:
Study the Word of God for yourself. Books and sermons are great, but spending time with the Word yourself will allow God to enlighten you. Stay open and teachable. Meditate on passages and truths that resonate with you.
Dig up buried treasures. Many people live their entire lives without unearthing the gems inside of themselves. God has given you gifts, dreams, and abilities that He wants you to dig up and develop. Ask yourself, what would I absolutely love to do if time and money were no object? In what situations do I feel fully alive? What are some childhood dreams that I have dismissed? What do others see in me that I haven’t acted on? And most of all, go before God and ask Him to shine the light on these treasures. Take courage and begin to act on them. Look for mentors to help you.
Develop healthy boundaries. This involves understanding and protecting your own values and priorities. It includes not only saying no to negative influences or frivolous activities but also taking responsibility to develop your gifts and talents. God does not want your gifts to go by the wayside! It takes courage to move out of the box of what others expect of you and how they view you. This takes inner strength and support from others. Maybe a good start would be to join our class, Freedom in Boundaries, which starts this month!
Learn to become more in tune with yourself. We need to invest time with God, ourselves, and trusted friends to gain a deep understanding of our needs, strengths, values, ideas, and purpose. Become honest about areas where you are stuck and ask for help. Sometimes we need to grieve and release what we can’t have and open our hearts to new possibilities.(2) The more in tune you are with yourself, the more you will be able to trust your convictions and sense of direction. You will become more confident in taking the next steps to walking out your potential and destiny in God. You will find that God is right there to provide everything you need.
This life on Earth is precious. Now, at the beginning of the year, it is time to reevaluate the direction of your life. Take some time and write down all the things that make you feel energetic and alive. Write down injustices you are furious about or things you deeply care about. What could be the first step? Invite God into this time and bring out the treasures that abound within you!
Endnotes:
(1) Alison Cook, The Best of You: Break Free from Painful Patterns, Mend Your Past, and Discover Your True Self in God (Nashville TN, Nelson Books, 2022) 14.
(2) Ibid. 16.